I’ve been staring at the computer screen for five minutes and I only started typing so the cursor would stop its incessant blinking.  Each day gets a little better, but speed bumps continue to plague me.  Two nights ago, I was in the grocery store (the first trip without her).  I got some water, then I got some things for dinner and that all went fine.  I then got to the aisle with the popcorn.  She hates math and she would always ask me to figure out which popcorn had the least calories.  We’d stand there as I did the math which is quite weird on popcorn.  35 calories per popped cup.  Cups per serving, 3.  Servings per bag, 2 1/2.  So 35 x 3 = 105.  105 x 2 1/2 = 262 1/2.  Basically 263 calories per bag.  Then some brands are 4 cups per serving and 2 servings per bag and 30 calories per cup.  You get the idea.  Anyway, I stood there in front of the popcorn and thought to myself, “Man, my heart is beating really hard and fast like I just ran a marathon.”  Then all of a sudden, it was as if the walls of the world closed in around me.  My world turned into a space that was only a foot in front of me.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  My brain shut down and I didn’t know what to do.  My eyes filled with tears and “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck” just kept repeating in my head.  I couldn’t move except to just rock side to side in one place.  “Do I call someone?  Do I text someone?  Who?  What do I say?”  I’ve never had an anxiety attack before, but I finally figured that’s what was going on.  I wasn’t far from my parent’s and I texted my mom “I’m having a panic attack in the store.  I don’t know what to do.”  She and my dad were there in a few minutes and I had to be physically walked out.  That was the craziest experience I’ve ever had and I hope I don’t ever have it again.

Yesterday was better than the day before and today is better than yesterday.  I still miss her and think about her all the time, but the pain has softened a bit.  Today I’m going to wash my bike and then meet a friend from my men’s group.  He lives in north San Diego County, so we’re going to meet half-way in South Orange County.  I plan on taking the long route through the twists and turns of beautiful Trabuco Canyon.  The fresh air will do me some good and it’s great to have something that forces me to come out the cave of my bedroom.  We’re going to meet at a Texas BBQ place and then head over to a cigar lounge where we’ll smoke and talk.

It’s pretty awesome to have friends and family to lean on in these times.  I don’t know if I could do it without them.  It’s even been very cool to have strangers reach out and offer support (a few on FetLife and a few of you wonderful readers).  It’s nice to know that people who read my little blog aren’t just voyeurs who want to sneak a peek into my life, but that some of you become a little bit invested.  You can feel that I’m a real person just like you and you actually care that I’m OK.  Thank you, sincerely, thank you.


8 thoughts on “Panic

  1. As I read this all I can think of is
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
    Courage to change the things I can
    And the wisdom to know the difference.
    Glad you callied someone & they were available! One day at a time my friend.
    Peace& Love

  2. I had only just found your blog when I left my comment the other night, and I believe that the blogging community is like a big comfy quilt, and all the bloggers are the strands of fibers running through the quilt. And when one of us is struggling, or in need we all just want to wrap them in comfort. So take comfort Sir, your blogging family cares. Be strong, it will get better! And stay away from popcorn…. The kernels just get stuck in your teeth anyway!

  3. I’ve been on your Instagram and Blog and have begun to be a little invested in your life. Not in a weird way, but more just “oh I wonder how he’s doing today” and it’s amazing that I feel this concern for someone I don’t know. Your blog is amazing and I am so happy that everything gets better every day, even if it is just a little bit. I have never felt this pain but I can empathize and I really do know you can do this. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

  4. Ah, time heals all wounds. So they say, it takes time but you will get there. I hope you have an enjoyable weekend. Take care.

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