Hope Less

I fell asleep with my phone on my chest last night, hoping that she’d call.  I want to hear her say, “Oh my god, Daddy, I made such a terrible mistake.  I’m sorry, can we pick up where we left off?”  Is that even realistic or reasonable?  I mean, if she did come back, how would I feel?  Would I have to live with the constant fear and knowledge that she’d be willing to give this up at any time?  Would I be willing to risk suffering this pain again in exchange for holding her again and calling her mine?  I love her so much and I miss her every second of the day.

I’ve had breakups before, of course, but we shared a connection that was elevated higher than any connection I’ve had with anyone before.  I’m terrified that I won’t ever feel that connection again.  I’m afraid that I’ll never look at another girl the way I looked at her.  Will I ever have the pride of ownership that I had with her?  Will I ever feel the way I felt with her?  I’ve been sad with vanilla and other D/s breakups, but this sadness is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.  In the past, I’ve wondered if I was a sociopath and there have been times when I was convinced that I was one.  This sadness, however, is evidence that I am clearly not a sociopath.  If I was, I wouldn’t feel, I wouldn’t hurt.  I feel like I’ve been wandering in a heavy fog for the last five days and I can’t get my bearings.  I can’t see my path and I don’t know which way to go.

I want to let go.  I want to stop hoping.  I want to stop hurting.  I want to heal.  I just don’t know how.


13 thoughts on “Hope Less

  1. Im so sorry!!! These kind of break ups are the worst!!! My daddy just decided out of nowhere he didnt want me and I know the pain you are feeling!! If you need someone to listen I have ears: )

  2. I’ve been reading your blog only a short while and I’m not big on leaving comments I feel the need to. Your words make me feel the pain of me and my Daddy’s break up all over again. I was lost in a daze for what seemed like forever just goin thru the motions of daily life and I would have sworn anything that the pain will never go away and somedays (it’s inly been a few months) somedays the pain is still there. But nothing like it used to be. Just today I went to “our” park and I was able to sit and meditate and be ok. I was able to think to myself that I’m grateful he introduced me to that park. I’m so grateful to him for a lot and I can smile at the memories now. As for finding someone that I can be that raw with again someone I can let in like that again? That is yet to be known. But I know I’m open to the possibility. Peace and love to you.

    • Thank you for your comment. I’m glad to hear that you’re healing well. I know that the pain will fade and I’m doing everything in my power to get through this. Steel is tempered by fire and I hope to come out of it wiser and stronger.

  3. Hugs you!!!! This helps me, from Sleepless in Seattle:
    Well, I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out… and, then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

    • How fitting, I love it! I literally had to tell me self to get up today. Then, ok I’m going to walk to the bathroom. Ok, now take a shower. All of this at 4pm, mind you, but at least I did it! Thank you for the hugs!

  4. My heart just breaks for you reading this. Just cry your tesrs and don’t hold back, they will become fewer and further between eventually. Hugs from across the sea

  5. “Time heals all wounds.” Isn’t that the truth. I was just starting to soften up myself, then I noticed a certain McBitchface liberally sticking her fingers in my honey jar AGAIN and helping herself to what belongs to me. So I re-read an old message that I keep around for times just like this and all that old anger is still there. I don’t care if I come across as catty or bitchy – here or anywhere else. Let the not-subs who are incapable of creativity or a single original thought worry about what others think. I have more valuable things to do with my time.

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