I fell asleep with my phone on my chest last night, hoping that she’d call. I want to hear her say, “Oh my god, Daddy, I made such a terrible mistake. I’m sorry, can we pick up where we left off?” Is that even realistic or reasonable? I mean, if she did come back, how would I feel? Would I have to live with the constant fear and knowledge that she’d be willing to give this up at any time? Would I be willing to risk suffering this pain again in exchange for holding her again and calling her mine? I love her so much and I miss her every second of the day.
I’ve had breakups before, of course, but we shared a connection that was elevated higher than any connection I’ve had with anyone before. I’m terrified that I won’t ever feel that connection again. I’m afraid that I’ll never look at another girl the way I looked at her. Will I ever have the pride of ownership that I had with her? Will I ever feel the way I felt with her? I’ve been sad with vanilla and other D/s breakups, but this sadness is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. In the past, I’ve wondered if I was a sociopath and there have been times when I was convinced that I was one. This sadness, however, is evidence that I am clearly not a sociopath. If I was, I wouldn’t feel, I wouldn’t hurt. I feel like I’ve been wandering in a heavy fog for the last five days and I can’t get my bearings. I can’t see my path and I don’t know which way to go.
I want to let go. I want to stop hoping. I want to stop hurting. I want to heal. I just don’t know how.