The Rough Stuff

I haven’t blogged in several days, but for good reason.  It’s been a tough past four days and I am physically and emotionally drained.  My slave of 5 1/2 years is gone.  I won’t get into gory details.  One, because I don’t believe in airing dirty laundry.  Two, because it’s no one’s fucking business but ours.  I can proudly say, however, that I didn’t do anything catastrophic in the relationship.  This is more about her.  We made a promise to be good to each other in this difficult time.  She’s leaving the lifestyle and I’m very sad.  She is my very best friend and I’ve never loved someone so much.  I truly thought that we would be together forever and I didn’t ever imagine this happening, not in a million years.

I hate to break the illusion, but we Dominants are human and we have emotions too.  I’ve been crying non-stop for days.  It’s a natural part of the grieving process.  It’s also a good calorie burner.  Crying plus a lack of appetite (I’ve only had three meals in the last four days and I had to force myself to eat those) has helped me to lose a few pounds.  I’ve been dieting since the end of May and I’m now down 32 pounds.  Oddly enough, yesterday I got down to the weight I was when I first met my slave.

When I first started this blog, I promised that I would share everything here.  So here I am, being vulnerable and showing that I hurt.  I’ll survive this, though.  I will get through it.  The sadness will eventually go away.  There’s no medicine to help get rid of this type of pain, but it will eventually subside.

My mom has been very supportive and so has the submissive who inspired me to start this blog.  I’m eternally grateful to her for allowing me to show my emotions without fear that she would think less of me.  I’m part of an organization of male dominants and they have been great, as well.  My mentor has given some great advice without resorting to platitudes.  His slave (she’s a Certified Life Coach) has been amazing, too.  It’s nice to know that I have a support system to help me through this rough stuff.

She and I came into this lifestyle together and I’ll admit that I’m nervous, maybe even a little scared, at navigating this by myself.  I’ve never been single in this community.  She’s always been at my side and I’ve been so proud to call her mine.  We were an amazing couple and everyone knew it.  The life coach said that if she had to bet on any couple in this community that would be together forever, it was us.  The dungeon we go to was closed last night, but I had to be there for something with my men’s group.  I held it together pretty well, but at one point I had to go into a room by myself and I broke down.  Everything there reminds me of her.  How do I do this without her?  How do I go there and not die inside from the pain of missing her?

I put her phone on her own account (she was on my account) because I would torture myself and go through the records.  We agreed to delete each other from Facebook and deactivate our profiles for a day.  Also because I would torture myself by looking at her page.  Deactivating our profiles will make it so we aren’t each getting 100 emails from people asking what happened.  Again, it’s none of their business.  I don’t feel the need to explain my personal business to someone that I may have said “Hello” to in the hallways of high school a gazillion years ago.

I guess the bright side is that I don’t have to wait for her to come home before watching the shows we have on the DVR.  That’s me, always trying to add a little levity.


14 thoughts on “The Rough Stuff

  1. I’m really am sorry to hear that your going through this awful time. I think a broken heart is one of the hardest things in life to deal with. I am glad you have lots of support but I know the lonely, empty feeling that takes an age to disappear. I had been checking my email for your blog and wondered where you had gone. I thought maybe the shine had gone of writing your blog. I kind of wish it had been that instead of you having to go through this. Hugs.

  2. My heart crys for you , the pain is so hard I understand I wrap my arms around you and kiss your tears away. Be good to your self …

  3. I recently lost my sub, though not one I had for anywhere near as long as you had yours. I feel your pain, and hope you find a way through to the other side in time.

  4. Four years ago I was happily married with three little kids. Then my husband tells me he doesn’t love me anymore and later texts me he is leaving me. Then he moved in with my best friend. Talk about pain and grief and going into shock. But I’m here to tell you that you will get over it and be happy again. The other day he came onto me and I was totally repulsed. I am fully healed and you will fully heal, too. You will find yourself really happy again, and it will be wonderful.

    I follow you on instagram and you’ve always terrified me (lol) (maybe in a good way) and its nice to see this softer side of you on this blog. Take care.

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