Learning to be a Dominant

“I’ve been kinky and dominant as long as I can remember.”  That’s my reply when anyone asks me when I “got into” BDSM.  I had a dominant personality from a very young age.  Being a dominant person is a character trait.  Often times, a person that is discovering BDSM will ask me, “How do I become a dominant?”  You either are or you aren’t.  Being a controlling asshole doesn’t make you a dominant and being a controlling bitch doesn’t make you a femme domme.  You can dominate a conversation, you can dominate a scene, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are a dominant person.  You can learn the skills of BDSM (how to throw a whip, how to tie someone up without causing nerve damage, etc.), you can learn how to be a dominant who lives with integrity and honor, but what you can’t learn is how to be a dominant person at your very core.  That means being dominant without trying.  Tom Cruise flew the fuck out of a fighter jet in Top Gun, but playing a character didn’t make him a real pilot.  If you’re playing a character, (and if you’re honest with yourself, you know deep down inside if you’re playing), then you may be acting dominant, but you’re not a dominant.

What’s the difference between a naturally dominant person in the BDSM community and said controlling asshole/bitch?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  The answer is simple: Control vs. authority.  A naturally dominant person responsibly wields authority.  Authority is given to a dominant by a submissive.  Control, however, is instigated by the controller and comes from a place of weakness and fear.  They fear loss of something or someone, so they grasp at control and demand that people bow down to them.  This often manifests in a neanderthal demeanor of “Me dominant, you kiss my boot”.  It also rears its ugly head in the form of the use of absolutes such as “ALL men are superior to ALL women” or “ALL women are superior to ALL men”.  If you believe that your gender is superior, you’re an idiot and I’m calling you out on being a fake dominant.

The better question to ask as a newcomer is “How can I learn to be a responsible dominant?”  First of all, relax.  I know you’re excited, but there’s no need to rush into scooping up the first submissive you see and wildly wailing away at her.  Read a lot.  Go online or get some books and read about this thing that we do.  Don’t just read about mechanics, but read about BDSM relationships and how to keep one together.  Secondly, find a mentor.  This seems to be a dying tradition, but it works.  Find someone that you respect and who is similar to you in their goals and ask for their mentorship.  If you’re a poly sadist, don’t get a mentor that’s a monogamous daddy dom.  That’s akin to approaching a white dude from the suburbs and asking him what it’s like to be a black kid from the inner city.  And don’t buy the notion that you have to be a sub, first, in order to learn how to be a good dom.  I hear people say this all the time, “Well you should know what a sub goes through before you can be a dominant.”  Bullshit!  If that were true, then you’d hear people saying that a submissive should first be a dominant so they know what it’s like.  I’ll tell you why it’s bullshit.  If you’re a dominant, then no matter how much someone smacks you around or makes you do their laundry, you’ll never know what it’s like to be a submissive because you’ll never be able to get into that head-space.  You won’t know the joy that a service submissive has when accomplishing a task because you’re not a fucking service submissive at heart!  You’re not a masochist, so how could you possibly know what that pain slut is feeling when the flogger is put to her?  My slave finds pleasure in being caned and loves the results afterwards when she’s bruised and sore for a week or two.  You know what I’d feel if someone hit me with a cane?  First, I’d feel the pain and say, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”  Then, I’d feel the knuckles of my right hand smashing into the nose of the person doing the caning.

I rambled.  You can probably expect that from time to time.  By the way, coconut bacon tastes nothing like coconut or bacon.



11 thoughts on “Learning to be a Dominant

  1. Im that middle aged married man who daily dreams of sado upon my maso lil girl. Im that guy with a fugly fat bitchy stupid wife. Im on year two of a three year plan. One day three years ago i flogged my wife (made her cum then myturn). At that moment i knew i was a natural Dom. I have since short sold my house, filed for bankruptcy, increased my wages, lost some fat mass. Almost ready for the divorce and i intend to find a mentore as soon as im single. I intend to learn , explore, find and love ….. I so hope to find the maso to my sado …

  2. I am seeing a married women and am having a affair with her. Just recently she told me that she has a Dom. What should I do? Should I stay and continue the affair or let her go? I am so confused and I am also willing to learn the art.

  3. I loved this blog post! Do you mentor? I’m a female in a new relationship with a guy who has been in bdsm for awhile. He told me last night that he’s a masochist… I’m naturally dominant, and if I run across another Dom, the brat in me comes right out!
    I’ve been online all day looking for more info and maybe “beginner” tips. We’ve played a little with biting and a some anal, but I’m ready to take it to the next level (and I’m positive he is). Any suggestions?

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